When a guy disappears for long periods all the time, let him go. His behavior shows a lack of interest in keeping things serious, stable, and consistent between you two. His behavior isn’t contributing any good to your emotional and mental health at the moment, isn’t it? Let’s let him go together! Here are 10 times when you need to let him go when he disappears:
1. You feel disrespected, undervalued, and alone
A mature, interested, and caring man knows the value of communication and its forms. It’s about consistency, the content, and the approach to one another. We’ve all been burnt by radio silence at least once in our lives. We’re quite well familiar with the pain and burn it comes with! He’s likely to be well aware of it. Even worse, he could be doing this intentionally. The self-criticizing thoughts appeared right after his disappearance. The negative symptoms include a sense of devaluation and loneliness… When he disappears, let him disappear. If you’re feeling that, think about it: Is this guy worth hanging your well-being and self-worth onto? No, no he isn’t. So let him go.
2. He didn’t put any effort: he’s always relaxing and “not using his phone”
One needs a break from the virtual world as often as possible, however, that isn’t an excuse to disappear for hours without letting you know. According to etiquette trainers, when you’re engaged in talking to someone else, it is rude to answer the phone, or if it’s something urgent, you should excuse yourself. Though a relationship needs effort, needs communication, and openness by both parties involved. He might have not found your texts that important, choosing to ignore you until he has time to text you back. It becomes a little tricky once this relaxing mode and “not using the phone” time becomes chronic to the point it reflects irresponsibility and recklessness toward the relationship. Consider your boundaries, and let him go if you feel he’s not putting the right effort into the connection.
3. You’re attempting to fix things and communicate but it isn’t reciprocated
When a guy disappears hours after you told him that there is something important to discuss, and this has happened consistently, it’s time to let him go. If he can’t make time for you at this time when you need to discuss something important, how is he going to be able to handle in-person ‘heavy talks’ when they occur? You’re in for progress, you’re trying to figure out a way that works best for both of you, he’s reluctant and disrespectful about it, let him go. Both of you have different expectations and goals for your relationship. He’s doing it the wrong way but he’s doing you a favor by disappearing. Prolonging the process of separation and hindering your personal goals hoping things will change won’t benefit you emotionally or mentally.
4. You don’t seem to have an important place in his life
Understandably, priorities shift on daily matters, however, if you are never a priority on his schedule, you need to talk about it. He might be prioritizing more urgent matters, which is fine, but disappearing for hours, or even worse, days, to come back and do the same, isn’t how a healthy relationship works. By accepting this behavior, you will be feeding on the idea that it’s okay to be treated this way which he will continue to do. Instability in a relationship, especially in communication, will make the partner feel emotionally unsafe and disconnected, and increase stress and anxiety, according to Psy.D. Kristin Davin. Relationship anxiety is the attempt to keep people closer to you or push them away, doubting their feelings towards you. Ph.D. LCSW Alisha Powell points out some of the main signs of relationship anxiety such as:
Reconsidering your compatibility; Questioning his actions and motives; Fearing that he will leave you;
So you might be anxious, however, that doesn’t mean that you aren’t aware of your relationship’s progress and your value in it. If you feel like he is disappearing for hours, not prioritizing you as well, and undermining your value, perhaps it’s time to let him go. You shouldn’t be in a relationship in which you don’t feel worthy of love, respected, and valued as a partner.
5. He disappeared when the conversation wasn’t to his liking
When he disappears for hours or days after you just pulled a subject he’s trying to avoid, evaluate the importance of the topic and the need to discuss it. A topic essential to your connection, a topic that is vital to solving an issue as a duo isn’t things one ignores by plainly disappearing from the discussion. Although this isn’t much of a red flag, avoiding a topic that’s not convenient for him is enough to light up an unhealthy thought. Choosing to disappear instead of suggesting an alternative is something that can mess with your head big time. Having a clashing of interests when none of you are compromising and he solves it by disappearing for hours, or days then it’s better to let him go. A discussion on a topic that’s not convenient for you but is important to your partner isn’t a discussion you solve with a disappearance. He isn’t willing to be present, and it’s often a sign of immaturity. He could need time, he might not know how to handle it, or he could be playing a game. Either way isn’t communicating anything about it. He just disappeared. Well, so be it. Give yourself a deserving peace of mind and let him go. Let it come from a place of abundance with no hard feelings and wishing the best for him as much as you do for yourself.
6. You’ve noticed a pattern of mind games
Games will bring no good in any relationship, and his constant disappearance might be his strategy to lure you in. There might be certain times when you get late-night texts from him, suggesting that you might be a booty call to him. You can further solidify your suspicions if he is always asking for sex and never suggest doing something else or shows curiosity about you. This adds to your confusion about his intentions and whether there is something real or not. When these kinds of thoughts enter your mind, then it’s likely that something is going on, and it’s best to let him go. If he keeps disappearing for hours, and you have called him out on it, yet he calls you insecure and doesn’t change his behavior, let him go.
7. He’s never been open: He’s been passive-aggressive
The fact that he disappeared with no explanation makes it obvious enough that he’s not much into openness. One does not simply disappear for days, not from a person they care about. This is where you’ve got to let him go… The more effort you put into this relationship the more he chooses to not engage in discussions until he disappears. Although, both of you should be investing simultaneously, when he stops, it will be difficult to make things work. Doctor Lancer suggests that in dealing with the lack of communication (disappearance) of your partner’s stress, the significance of establishing clear boundaries with associated consequences is important. Doing otherwise just serves to reward passive-aggressive behavior. If this continues even after seeking professional help, you need to understand that you aren’t expected to stay in a relationship that isn’t healthy for you. After numerous attempts to make things right, and him disappearing for hours and not texting, it’s time to put yourself first and let him go.
8. He never seemed in the mood to talk to you
Feeling the need for ‘alone time’ now and then is normal. However, it becomes odd when you start feeling like you’re being tolerated instead of appreciated. He is never in the mood to talk to you or go out but is always socializing with other people while disappearing on you. Although there is a need to recharge because of the energy spent, your boyfriend should prioritize you at least some of the time and not vanish every time. If he doesn’t value you enough to devote part of his time to you, proceeding to disappear when you text him, then it’s time to let him go!
9. You don’t feel like you can handle his disappearance anymore
If he disappears for hours, days, or weeks and doesn’t text back, and you can no longer put up with the behavior, let him go. Feeling drained, stressed, and anxious constantly, over a long time, will negatively affect your physical and mental health. That’s why you need to be strong and choose yourself before him. This goes without saying especially if you’ve already made an attempt to communicate your feelings, doubts, and insecurities to him. You made him aware of the consequences of his actions on you, yet he kept doing things the same. If it’s feeling too much to handle, tiring, and overwhelming, let him go. Relieve yourself from the stress and the weight of waiting.
10. He’s been displaying unhealthy behavior
Let him go when you feel like he is trying to control you by constantly threatening that he will abandon you, and then proceeding to disappear for hours without texting anything. Part of this unhealthy behavior is unfortunately normalized, but most part of it is considered emotional abuse. He could be using his disappearance to make you believe that what he’s saying will come true, creating a power imbalance in the relationship. Some general signs of psychological (emotional) abuse are:
Threatening to leave; Throwing insults; Dismissing your ideas; Telling you you’re being needy;
Even when you call him out on his behavior, he starts lecturing you and accuses you of projecting your insecurities into his actions. If the treatment continues, he keeps disappearing for hours without letting you know, the best solution is to let him go.
When I let a disappearing guy go, what should I do?
Upon your decision not to put up with his disappearing acts anymore, you need to focus all of your energy on yourself. Letting him go is tough, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have the power to stand up for yourself and pursue your beliefs. Accept your decision as it is: avoid overthinking whether you did the right thing or not. When ending a relationship, it is common and easy to fall into the trap of questioning your decision, especially when things go wrong. Don’t forget the reasons that lead you to let him go. Make a list if you need to. That will help you go through the moments of longing or even regretting your decision. When you start regretting letting him go, you won’t be able to move ahead and the desire to text him will get stronger. That’s why it’s important to be active after cutting him off and doing things that will help you be busy enough not to think about him in the first few weeks. Don’t show uncertainty if he comes back. You shouldn’t bend to the pressure of loneliness, as Elizabeth bishop said “The art of losing isn’t hard to master” and even if it looks like a disaster, it’s not. Even if he comes back and asks you to at least be friends, that choice is up to you, don’t go back without figuring it out yourself. Also, you shouldn’t give him a window into your life and see the progress and the struggles you might have faced since you decided to let him go. Try to recollect your life. Start doing things that you loved to do and visit those places in which you’ve been meaning to make new memories. Fill your life with things that are meaningful to you and make you happy. Try to create a safe place where you can comfortably be yourself. Be active in your pursuit of happiness, while also letting yourself feel but not letting the hollowness swallow you. It’s less of the daily absence that you will be feeling since he already disappeared for hours, but it’s the idea that he isn’t there anymore. Let distance do its work and you’ll see that it isn’t a disaster and that letting go was the right decision for you. You’ve got this! Love, Callisto
