Once they are trying to get back to you, old feelings evoke. This is the main reason that you might notice the signs but unconsciously decide to ignore them. These signs are quite visible because you will feel constantly to make something to get their attention. It feels like you’re stuck in the dark hole but you just keep going in a vicious circle all the time. If you take a step back and reflect, you’ll notice that practically you’re not your ex’s priority. They will keep you in their orbit but somehow you’ll feel disconnected from them. Here are 10 signs your ex is keeping you as a backup:
1. They call you only when they want to
You interact with your ex according to their terms and conditions. They will constantly tell you that they are busy but are trying to keep in contact with you. You only meet on their terms, when you initiate a text or a call they barely reply. Your ex initiates the conversation and when they get what they want, they become distant. You can notice how their behavior or interaction changes. During the night they will text you something like ‘I miss you’ or ‘How you’re doing?’ and then they suddenly disappear. To be more specific, they will breadcrumb you all the time by not showing their intentions.
2. They are not looking to be connected emotionally
When an ex is using you, they will not bother to connect with you emotionally. Instead, they will flirt with you and even tell you the things you want to hear. Hence, they will not do anything to prove those feelings to you or create a new healthy relationship. You will spend time together only when is convenient for them. Moreover, they will make sure to even interact or meet with you when no one else is watching. So, you’ll be like a hidden project for them because you will not do anything in public together. They’ll only try to get laid or spend time together only at your or their place.
3. They are hot and cold
The main sign that your ex is keeping you as a backup is when they give you mixed feelings. The mixed feelings are a product of your ex’s uncertain behavior. Especially, if your ex left you for someone else and now they are just confused or playing with your feelings. One day they just don’t want to do anything with you and on the other day, they are all over you. It seems like they just don’t know what they want but they need your presence. They need your presence to fulfill their needs. The moment that your ex gets your attention they will pull back. They do this because as soon as you don’t draw your boundaries, they will know you’ll be there for them.
4. They friend-zoned you suddenly
Your ex might start to check up on you and flirt with you but suddenly friend-zoned you out of nowhere. They will do this because they’re not sure of their feelings for you or have started dating someone else. At the same time, they might initiate conversations and even do things that people in relationships do. Hence, they will just say that they are glad of this friendship or how happy they are to be your friend. This switched-up behavior will let you know a lot of things. Your ex is keeping you as an option until they figure out what they’re going to do in the future.
5. They will ask you for favors but never do anything in return
It is obvious that an ex is using you when they just contact you when they need something from you. They won’t try to either hide it but use their charm to flirt with you and confuse you even more.
Your ex just calls you when they need moral or emotional support.
They communicate with you when they are down and not feeling content with life.
All their actions are linked to their needs and desires. You provide them with the solution that you want. Your ex knows that when they need something from you, they will get it.
6. They won’t try to win you back or date you again
Have you been feeling a little off, lost, and not feeling appreciated by your ex? Well, the answer to this is that you’re being used by your ex. They love to use and get the relationship benefits but do not give anything in return. If you haven’t talked with them about this until now then it’s time to do it. If you don’t set and tell them your boundaries and needs, they are going to continue to keep you as an option.
So, your ex won’t give you the attention that you need. They don’t care enough to ask you on a date again. On top of it, they just don’t even try to win you again.
For them is quite normal, to take these benefits and not be exclusive once again. They’re might seem all lovey-dovey and intimate with you but they will avoid labeling your situation.
7. They are not committed to the breakup either
Your ex is keeping you as an option when they keep contacting you constantly but keep their dating options open. They know that they are not committed to the breakup either but they are not sure if they will continue being a thing with you. Their confusion leads them to keep you on the back burner. Especially men, when they are confused and hurt after the breakup, they tend to hide it. They do it by dating multiple women at the same time while they’re looking for an answer. I am not implying that all men do this but most of them do it so they can’t seem weak. To avoid it, they will be stuck in some situation that they can’t even find a proper answer.
8. They text you in the middle of the night
A booty call is something that would come from an ex who wants to keep you as a backup. They will text you out of nowhere in the middle of the night and they have specific requests. They just want you to fulfill their needs and they give you enough attention to reach their target. So, when they need to have some fun or just feel something, they will call you. They will know that making you feel special and flirting with you, will make you stay connected to them. Their texts or calls will contain a lot of flirty and sexy content. Hence, if you try to call them the next morning or ask them to hang out with them then they will disappear. Sometime later, when your ex needs you again, they will try to come up with an excuse or act as nothing happened.
9. They are not being passionate at all
You can tell that an ex is keeping you as an option if they are dry and not putting any type of effort into you. Their texts are dry and short and simply your ex doesn’t put any type of emotion into them. If they want to contact you for their own needs then they will act differently. They do not seek just momentary attention and validation Once they got all of that, they will start to pull away and slowly ghost you. They will contact you only when it’s convenient for them and not include any feelings. If you need something from them or want to connect deeply with them, they will ignore you.
10. They are inconsistent
When an ex is keeping you as an option, their words won’t match their words. They might keep making false promises just to keep you around and never fulfill them. Their inconsistency is shown when they don’t try to connect with you or even spend quality time with you. To be more specific, they would tell you that you will hang out during the weekend and then disappear. They come back making a mere excuse and saying that they will make it up to you. Another plan comes and they ignore it too, making up other excuses. During this time, you will face failed plans. They won’t prioritize you and will continue to meet you and act according to their terms.
Why did my ex use me?
An ex will use you because they can and they need to do it. After the breakup, even the dumper goes through some painful stages that will leave them bruised. Even if they seem to be completely fine in the beginning, they will go through loneliness and pain. Also, while the dumper is dealing with their loneliness and anxiety, in the meantime, they’ll ponder their decisions too. At this moment, your ex will be confused and all over the place. They will get in contact with you just to fulfill their needs without having a clear mind. This is why they start to keep you as a backup and use you. ~Your ex either needs validation and attention or just does it to take revenge.
- If you have been dating a narcissist then they will keep you as a backup just to take revenge. They will keep stringing you along just to hurt you. A narcissist would want you to go through some intense emotions. This is the reason why they pull and push you. They do it just to make you feel joy and pain at the same time. Your ex does this to show that they’re in control and to trigger your unconsciousness. Because you go through intense feelings, you will start to feel powerless at some point. Then here comes the hero to this scene, your ex. They will act like a hero to just come and “save” you from all this misery and go back with them.
- An ex will keep you as an option if they dumped you or cheated on you. They will keep you as a backup if their old plan doesn’t work. As they say, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. When they find out that their new relationship or partner isn’t like they imagined, they crawl back to you. In this case, your ex won’t come crawling to you in an instant. They will try to test the waters before taking any action. At this point, your ex is indecisive. They want to play it safe by keeping you as an option and keeping their current relationship.
What to do if my ex is keeping me as a backup?
One thing that you can do if your ex is keeping you as a backup is to set boundaries. You need to reflect on your needs and ask for their intentions.
- Put yourself first. You need to respect yourself first if you want to show someone how to respect you. No one wants to stay or be treated as a second choice and still stay in a “relationship” with someone like that. Now, to set boundaries, you need to communicate them first to your ex. If they do not respond or just keep you stringing along then you should start to use the No Contact rule. Even if you have been using it earlier on and you broke it, that’s not a problem. You can start it all over again and focus more on your needs and on what are you feeling right now.
- Avoid being mean. There is no need to be mean. If you broke up on good terms but your ex is keeping you as a backup then talk to them. You need to let them know how you’re feeling but just don’t make it personal. It’s a hard and confusing situation but please try to be neutral. Once you don’t involve your feelings too much, even if it’s hard to not do it, you won’t hurt them or yourself. Try to be subjective and transparent. Explain that you’re going through some tough times and you need to know their intentions. In the end, you have the right to know about your place in their life.
- Try to look forward and stay in motion. If your needs aren’t being met by your ex then it’s time to focus on yourself and do your thing. If you give all that you have to this person and they are going back and forth constantly, you need to take a step back. Once you start to realize what is keeping you in the past, you will start to embrace the changes.
Is my ex using me?
You will notice that your ex is using you when you feel confused by their behavior and you’re impacted negatively. There are many dots that you can’t connect when you interact with your ex. Most of the time the signs are visible because they reflect how your ex makes you feel. Yet, for many reasons, you might just try to ignore them and maybe not want to believe them. They will constantly confuse and not value you. Whether they’re doing it on purpose or not, you will feel being pulled and pushed by your ex. Try to take a step back and set your boundaries. When you do it, you’ll be happier and know exactly what you want and need. Sincerely, Callisto Adams
